


A Poet Pining

by ChaoticallyWriting



Series: High School Losers [1]
Category: IT - Stephen King
Genre: Bisexual Ben Hanscom, Bisexual Bill Denbrough, Bisexual Male Character, Bisexual Richie Tozier, Freaking out in a bathroom stall bc that is a high school mood, Friends to Lovers, Gay Panic, High School, Lesbian Beverly Marsh, M/M, Mutual Pining, Pining, Poetry, Sexuality Crisis, Teen Romance
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-01-01
Updated: 2019-05-25
Packaged: 2019-10-02 08:15:42
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 9,706
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17260748
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ChaoticallyWriting/pseuds/ChaoticallyWriting
Summary: For Ben, crushes always seemed to sneak up on him.It would start with mild interest in the person, maybe thinking they were pretty cute, or had a nice laugh. Nothing major. But then something stupidly small would happen- a pat on the shoulder, a compliment, a smile- and suddenly it was like he’d been smacked upside the head with cupid’s bow.In which Ben starts to realize he has a crush on the one and only Bill Denbrough, and has no idea how to handle it.





	1. The Realization

**Author's Note:**

> Happy 2019! Im starting the new year with a gay rarepair and my first multi-chapter fic, so I'd say Im starting on the right foot //SHOT//

For Ben, crushes always seemed to sneak up on him.

It would start with mild interest in the person, maybe thinking they were pretty cute, or had a nice laugh. Nothing major. But then something stupidly small would happen- a pat on the shoulder, a compliment, a smile- and suddenly it was like he’d been smacked upside the head with cupid’s bow.

He remembers exactly how it happened with Beverly. He had sat at a table with her in 8th grade history class, and she was one of the few people who was nice to him and actually bothered to learn his name when he first moved in. One day, he had to do a presentation, and he must’ve looked just about ready to die (he sure felt like it), but when he looked at Beverly, she gave him a reassuring smile that made his heart do a somersault.

After that, Beverly didn’t seem to leave his mind for two years.

Not when he made friends with the rest of her friends (he didn’t care if they all called themselves “The Losers Club,” they were all amazing to him). Not when he wrote her a poem and she thought it came from someone else. Not when she and Bill started dating freshman year.

Did Ben’s heart break a little when his friends started dating? He’d be lying if he said it didn’t, but it wasn’t like he could be mad at them. He hadn’t told anyone about his crush on Beverly, much less Bill or Beverly herself. Even if he did, they seemed happy together, and Ben was pretty sure he was physically incapable of being mad at his friends over something like this.

Beverly didn’t quite leave Ben’s mind until the end of Sophomore year, when she and Bill broke up. It seemed totally out of the blue, until a week later, she came out as a lesbian.

After that, it was a little easier to get over her. He knew he would’ve eventually, even if she wasn’t a lesbian, but the fact that she wasn’t attracted to men at all did make it a little easier. He and Beverly weren’t meant to be a couple, but they were still great friends, and he was glad for that. He doesn’t think he would’ve been able to get over losing her as a friend.

High school went on without Ben really developing any other major crushes, which he didn’t terribly mind. It was easier to focus on school work without a crush as a distraction. There were still the occasional classmates he found attractive, but most were rude or dismissive to him, so none would ever blossom into an actual _crush_. Derry was not a town full of kind people, and Derry High by extension, was not full of kind teens.

By the time senior year came around, Ben still hadn’t gotten anymore crushes, and that was fine by him.

He enjoyed his time with his friends. He liked running track with Eddie, studying history with Mike and Stan, listening to Richie’s jokes and Beverly’s retorts at lunch, and creative writing class with Bill.

Creative Writing was probably Ben’s favorite class. It was a fairly new elective, and only a small handful of people took it, an even smaller handful actually being into writing. Ben and Bill were among that handful within a handful.

Ben actually almost didn’t take the class. But at the end of junior year, when he mentioned to his apprehensions to his friends, Bill immediately decided to sign up with Ben.

“I w-want to b-be a writer any-anyways,” Bill had said at the time, “So wh-why not t-take it?”

 

* * *

 

There were no assigned seats in Creative Writing, but everyday Ben and Bill sat next to each other, and today was no different. It was the first day back from winter break, and it seemed everyone, including the teachers ( _especially_ the teachers), were still mentally on break.

“Wh-What do y-y-you have for y-your poem?” Bill stuttered out, glancing at Ben’s paper. The teacher had assigned for everyone to write an acrostic poem of their name, something Ben was pretty sure they’d all done in elementary school, but no one was complaining about the relatively simple assignment.

“Uh… Not _much_ …” Ben was having more trouble than he’d like to admit. If he only had to use the letters in ‘Ben’, he would’ve been fine and probably done way before the end of class. But the teacher made it clear that everyone had to use their full first name, no nicknames. So instead of a ‘Ben’ and a ‘Bill’ poem, there was a ‘Benjamin’ and ‘William’ poem. Well, there _would_ be a ‘Benjamin’ poem, if Ben could actually think of any traits for himself. The only thing he had down was ‘B – Bookworm’.

Bill peered over at his paper, and Ben could feel his cheeks grow warm with embarrassment. Especially as Bill’s poem looked to be halfway done. He couldn’t help but feel a twinge of envy at how Bill always seemed to know what to write, and so quickly.

 “Wh-Why don’t you h-have any-anything else?”

“Huh?” Ben glanced at Bill, who was looking at him with inquiring eyes.

“Y-You usually are r-r-really g-good at p-poetry. B-But it looks like y-you’re having t-tr-trouble…”

“Oh, uh…” Ben rubbed the back of his neck, feeling his cheeks grow even warmer. “I just… It’s hard to try and write things about _myself_ … I mean, writing about other things is easy, it’s easy to think of good descriptors and words, but for myself…” He trailed off and glanced away, unsure of how to explain it without sounding pathetic.

There was a short moment of silence, which was soon interrupted by- “Artistic.”

“What?” Ben glanced back to Bill, who was still looking at Ben’s paper. Bill pointed to the blank space next to the ‘A’ in ‘Benjamin’.

“Y-You should put a-artistic. It fits you,” Bill glanced at Ben as he said this.

“Oh, right, thanks…!” Ben picked up his pen and quickly wrote in the word, just missing the small smile Bill gave him.

“D-Do you think you c-could help m-me with mine? I c-c-can’t th-think of any o-other words,” Bill spoke up again, making Ben look at him once again.

“Oh, sure…!” Ben leaned over and took a look at Bill’s paper.

_Willful_  
_Independent_  
_Loyal_  
_L_  
_I_  
_Adventurous_  
_M_

_Lovely_ , Ben almost said, seeing the second ‘L’ was left blank. He bit his tongue just in time though. Was Bill lovely? Yes, Ben thought so. Ben thought Bill was the loveliest boy he’d ever met. But was lovely something a guy could call his friend? He wasn’t sure Bill would wholly appreciate the word, and yet…

“Inspiring,” He finally said.

“Oh, th-thanks…!” Bill grinned, quickly writing that in place of the second ‘I’.

For the rest of the class period, they took turns suggesting words to each other, and every so often Ben would have to bite his tongue to stop himself from suggesting a word that perhaps sounded _too_ complimentary. Words such as _Mesmerizing_ and _Magnificent_ passed through his mind, but failed to make it to his lips.

By the end of class, they had both finished their poems, and decided to read them over just before turning them in.

_Willful_  
_Independent_  
_Loyal_  
_Leader_  
_Inspiring_  
_Adventurous_  
_Moral_

_Bookish_  
_Endearing_  
_Nice_  
_Joyful_  
_Artistic_  
_Mature_  
_Intelligent_  
_Neat_

Ben couldn’t help but like Bill’s poem better. Then again, Bill seemed like a more interesting subject for a poem than Ben could ever hope to be. Bill was just so… _Bill_. A simple acrostic poem couldn’t do him justice. Bill was deserving of an epic, or a sonnet, or something so intricate and beautiful it couldn’t be defined. He deserved-

The harsh ring of the final bell tore Ben out of his thoughts, making him scramble to shove his pencil pouch in his backpack and sling it over his shoulders. The two boys quickly rushed out of class with the other students. Stan was their ride home, and he had joked before that if they took too long to get to his car that he’d just leave them behind. That had yet to happen, but neither of them wanted to put that joke to the test and end up having to walk home.

“H-Hey Ben?” Bill spoke up, once again making Ben look at him, “Th-Thanks for h-helping w-w-with my p-poem.”

“Heh, I should be thanking you, you helped me just as much…” Ben rubbed the back of his neck, not quite sure why he was feeling so bashful.

“W-Well, I g-guess we m-make a great t-team.” Bill grinned, holding his hand up for a high-five. Ben couldn’t help but smile back, raising his hand to meet Bill’s. But as soon as their hands made contact, Bill intertwined his fingers with Ben’s and-

_Oh._

_Oh no._

Ben could feel his face growing hot and his heart skip a beat. He all at once realized why he acted the way he did around Bill, and it was like a switch flipped in his head and suddenly he couldn’t form words and his face was hot and he was probably red as a beet and maybe he was going to start crying and holy shit they’re holding hands-

“Ben?” Bill was giving him a confused look, laced with the smallest hint of concern, “A-Are you o-okay?”

“Uh- Yeah!” No he wasn’t, Ben felt like his heart was going to leap out of his chest and oh god his palms are probably so sweaty and they’re still holding Bill’s hand-

“A-Are you sure-“

“Yeah! I- Uh- I just realized I forgot something! Gotta go, bye!” Ben managed to blubber out, letting go of Bill’s hand and walking away as quickly as he could. He could hardly hear Bill’s confused ‘Bye?’ over his heart pounding in his ears.

Ben knew crushes always seemed to sneak up on him, but he certainly never saw _this one_ coming. But in hindsight, it all made sense.

Ben Hanscom had a _huge crush_ on Bill Denbrough.


	2. The Confusion

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> While having a near-panic attack in a bathroom stall over realizing you have a crush on one of your best friends isn’t the most ideal of situations, Ben certainly thought it was better than having his silent freak-out right in front of said crush.
> 
> _In which Ben has a dilemma over his newfound crush and his sexuality, featuring advice from a few friends._

While having a near-panic attack in a bathroom stall over realizing you have a crush on one of your best friends isn’t the most ideal of situations, Ben certainly thought it was better than having his silent freak-out right in front of said crush.

As he leaned his back against the closed stall door (he had decided against sitting on the toilet seat of questionable cleanliness), all he could think was _of course it’s Bill_. How could he have not realized? Was he that dense about his own emotions?

The more he thought about it, the more he realized that this crush on Bill definitely didn’t come from out of the blue. He admired Bill for so long, and only now he was starting to realize that that admiration may not have been completely platonic… Maybe he had misconstrued it in his head when they first met. After all, Bill had been one of his first friends, so it wouldn’t be hard to mistake a romantic puppy-love type of admiration for the admiration of a friend.

But that was way back in the start of middle school. This was senior year, and he had been friends with Bill and all the other Losers for almost six years now. He _knows_ what it feels like to admire friends now. He admires Richie for being able to laugh even during the hardest of times, Stan for being so organized and put-together, Eddie for not putting up with anyone’s bullshit, Mike for his wisdom and kindness, and Beverly for her persistent optimism. But the only time the admiration towards those friends was anywhere close to what he felt towards Bill was when he was crushing on Beverly, and he didn’t even have that towards Beverly anymore…

Ben groaned and buried his face in his hands. He was so sure he figured out who he was by now, but now he was being thrown for a loop. Was he really gay? But he liked Beverly at one point, he knows those feelings were real and genuine. What did that make his feelings towards Bill though? Those feel just as genuine to him.

Maybe he was over-thinking this. Maybe walking home would help clear his head. Maybe he just needed a breather. Yeah, that sounded right.

As he pushed open the stall and left the bathroom, the thought of telling someone his dilemma crossed his mind. It would have to be one of the Losers, of course. That was easy to know. The real question was which Loser he should tell…

 

* * *

 

“Hey, Eddie, can I ask you something?” Ben’s question left his mouth in a puff of fog, thanks to the chill in the morning air.

Eddie glanced at Ben from his spot on the ground, having been doing some leg stretches. The two boys had just finished a quick morning run around the track field and were now cooling down. Even though track season was over, both of them liked to keep in shape with morning runs, and it was a nice way to warm up and wake up before class started for the day.

“Yeah, what’s up?” Eddie replied, standing up and pulling one of his legs behind him in a flamingo stretch. Ben stayed sat on the ground.

“Uh… How did you realize you were gay?” He asked quietly. It didn’t look like there was anyone around to overhear them, but you could never be too careful. Eddie had come out to the Losers shortly after Beverly, but both of them had kept their coming out to the Losers only. Derry was not a place where it was easy to be openly gay, and the last thing Ben wanted to do was accidentally out his friend.

Eddie seemed to think on this question for a moment. Switching the leg he was holding up with the other, he spoke, “Well… I guess it was when Bill would talk to me about his crush on Beverly. I mean, I think I always knew that I didn’t like girls that way, but hearing how Bill felt about Beverly made me realize that that was how I felt about guys...” He set his foot down and glanced at Ben. “Why do you ask?”

“Oh- Uh- Just curious…!” Ben hoped that if his face was red, it would look like it was only from the cold air, but that must not have been the case as Eddie squinted at him in suspicion.

He knew something was up, because if Ben really was just curious for no reason, he probably would’ve asked this when Eddie first came out. If he was asking now, years later, he knew something must’ve happened to make him do so.

Ben knew Eddie must’ve figured out that much, and he stood up, wiping his sweaty palms against his running pants. “Uh, anyways, wanna go change?”

“Why did you _really_ ask?” Eddie crossed his arms, giving Ben an expectant look that made him want to run and hide, just like he did the day prior when he realized he probably liked Bill.

Yeah, _probably_ liked. He was still in denial. He liked girls, you couldn’t like guys _and_ girls, right?

“Ben…?”

“IthinkImayormaynothaveacrushonBillbutImnotsureandIdontknowwhattodoaboutit.”

“…What?”

Ben took a deep breath and forced himself to speak slower, “I think I might have a crush on Bill _and I don’t know what to do_.”

A look of understanding passed onto Eddie’s face as it dawned on him exactly what Ben was saying. “Oh…”

“ _Yeah…_ ” Ben let out a huff of air.

“So… What else?”

“What else? What do you mean ‘What else?’”

“I mean, what are you planning on doing about it?”

“I just said, I don’t know…!” Ben threw up his hands in exasperation.

“Do you want to tell him?” Eddie asked.

“Not before I figure out if I actually like him or not…!”

“Like who?” Ben jumped slightly upon hearing the new voice and turned to look towards the bleachers. Leaning against the stair railings was Richie, a lit cigarette dangling from his mouth and signature goofy grin donning his face.

“Uh—No one,” Ben quickly replied.

“You like no one? Aw, Haystack, that’s no fun,” Richie teased, a playful smirk on his face.

“I probably don’t _really_ like him—”

“Woah woah woah woah _woah_ ,” Richie interrupted, pulling the cigarette out of his mouth, “…. _Him?_ ” Ben’s face grew red.

“I just said I probably don’t!”

“You literally _just_ said that you _did_ , Ben,” Eddie pointed out.

“But I- Er- Look, I’m just really confused, okay??”

“Who are we talking about?” Richie blew out a small puff of smoke, looking at the cigarette in his hand, like he was contemplating whether or not he was done with it. Ben’s gaze switched from him to Eddie a few times, before letting out a defeated sigh.

“… Bill. We’re talking about Bill.”

“Bill?? Wait, Eds, I thought you didn’t have a crush on Bill anymore—” Eddie shot Richie a glare before he could finish.

“ _I_ don’t, idiot. _Ben_ has a crush on Bill.”

“ _MIGHT_ ,” Ben nearly yelled, “I _might_ have a crush on Bill!”

“Ohhh…” Richie seemed to think for a minute, “Why aren’t you sure?”

“Look- I- Nevermind…!” Ben covered his face with his hands, once more feeling himself turn red.

“Okay, okay! … So you guys just gonna go to first period in your sweats or what?”

“Oh, shut it, Richie,” Eddie said. Ben could hear the scuffing of sneakers against the ground and a small sound of protest from Richie. He lowered his hands and saw Richie was no longer holding his cigarette, and Eddie was walking towards the locker room while holding something away from himself. Richie let out a low whistle, watching Eddie walk further and further away, before returning his gaze to Ben.

“Y’know, I wouldn’t stress about that crush too much, Haystack,” Richie said, his voice missing its usual humorous tone. Ben gave him a confused look.

“Why…?”

Richie shrugged a little, “I have a feeling it’s not as complicated as you think it is, y’know?” And before Ben could said that no, he didn’t know, Richie started heading to the school building, whistling a tune that sounded vaguely like Queen’s “Crazy Little Thing Called Love”.

 

* * *

 

Throughout the whole school day, Ben was dreading Creative Writing. The fact alone that he was dreading it made him frustrated. Creative Writing was one of his favorite classes, and now he was feeling tempted to skip it! All because of some stupid feelings.

Well, anything Ben did and didn’t do was influenced by feelings, but that wasn’t the point.

The point was, Ben shouldn’t feel like he was walking to his doom by walking into his favorite class. He _definitely_ shouldn’t be heading to the school library instead.

And yet, that’s where he now found himself, hiding in some corner of the library and hoping the librarian wouldn’t find him and rat him out.

Hiding in the library wasn’t all bad, though. He had plenty of books to occupy himself with, and time to work on his homework if he felt compelled. Plus, there was a small handful of students who didn’t have a sixth period hanging out in there, so it wasn’t like he looked too out of place or anything.

Maybe he needed this break to think through his feelings…

Nope, the last thing he wanted to think about right now was _those_.

He was just starting to bury his nose in a book (it had something to do with vampires? He didn’t exactly take a good look at the title), when a familiar voice softly said “Ben…?”

Ben looked up and his gaze landed on Mike, who was just pushing a small cart of books out of the aisle next to him. He mentally cursed himself, how could he possibly forget Mike was the library assistant during sixth period? Although, to be fair, he _did_ already have many other things to think about and distract himself with.

“What are you doing here? Don’t you have class right now?” Mike spoke again, his voice softer than usual thanks to the setting.

“Uh…” Ben’s vocal chords suddenly didn’t want to work with him, and all he could do was look at Mike with mild panic, hoping that maybe he would take that as a sign to leave him alone in his little corner of the library. He should’ve known better, as Mike was never one to leave a friend in distress by themselves.

So instead of pushing his cart of books along and leaving Ben alone, Mike glanced back at the library desk for a moment, before walking over and sitting down next to Ben. “Is everything okay?”

“Yeah, everything’s fine…!” Ben answered just a little too quickly, mentally kicking himself for how stiff his answer sounded. Even years after making friends, he still wasn’t used to people other than his mom asking him if he was alright, and it showed. Mike frowned slightly.

“Are you sure…? You’re not mad at Bill or anything, right?” Shit, how did he know Bill was involved with this? “He said you ran off yesterday without much explanation.” Oh. That’s how.

“Wh- No, I’m not mad at him, that’s not it at all…!” He said.

“But there is _something_ going on?” Mike asked, looking at his friend with concern. Ben kept going back in forth in his head; Should he tell Mike or not? He initially only planned on telling Eddie his dilemma and then hoped that Eddie would say something to make Ben miraculously realize that no, he didn’t like Bill, he was just being ridiculous! Blowing some admiration out of proportion! But not only had Eddie not done that, but Richie overheard and he ended up spilling to him too. Even worse, they thought he should tell Bill! Which was the last thing he wanted to do!

Wait… Now that he thought of it, if Eddie wouldn’t knock sense into him, maybe Mike would.

Ben rubbed the back of his neck, “I… I think I might have a crush on Bill…”

“…So… That’s why you’re skipping class?”

“I just- I probably _don’t_ have a crush on him, but I’m really confused and the thought of being around him is making me nervous so maybe I just _shouldn’t_ be?” Ben rambled, knowing he must’ve sounded dumb for even saying he maybe had a crush in the first place, but Mike gave an understanding nod.

“Well… If that’s the case, you should probably tell Bill that you aren’t mad at him.”

“Did you miss the part where I said maybe I _shouldn’t be around him_?”

Mike laughed, but Ben couldn’t quite see the humor in the situation. He still felt embarrassed and ridiculous, and there was no way he could face Bill like this.

“Ben, you don’t need to tell him that you may or may not have a crush on him, just tell him you’re not mad. You worried him yesterday.” Bill worried about Ben? Wait, duh, of course Bill worried about Ben. Bill worries about all of his friends. Ben really needed to stop reading into things too much.

“Well what am I supposed to say…? ‘Hi I’m not mad at you now let’s move on without questioning why I knew you thought I was mad at you in the first place’?”

“Just say I told you, it’s not a big deal.”

Ben groaned and buried his face in his hands. He knew Mike was right. He couldn’t let Bill think he had done something wrong when it was all on Ben, but how could he possibly face him with all these confusing feelings brewing about in his head?

A pat on the shoulder from Mike broke Ben from his thoughts. “I gotta put away the rest of these books. Will you be okay by yourself?”

“Yeah, I’m just gonna work on homework…” Ben replied, closing the book in his hands (it wasn’t that interesting anyways). Mike smiled reassuringly, before getting up and walking back to his cart, pushing it back down another aisle.

_Dammit_ , Ben thought. Mike hadn’t given him any reassurance about this supposed crush like Ben had hoped. Now he just felt even worse, because now he made Bill think he was mad at him. All because he couldn’t get over some stupid butterflies and getting red in the face.

He sighed, pulling a textbook out of his backpack. At the very least, he could probably get some homework done like he said he would…

 

* * *

 

After the final bell rang, Ben was still resigned to avoiding Bill. This time, instead of hiding out in a bathroom stall, he was sneaking out the back of the school building, instead of out the front where the rest of the Losers usually went.

He crept along the side of the building, hoping to be able to loop around the block and head on home, without risking the chance of being seen from Stan’s car when he inevitably drove Bill home. Maybe he could just go to the library on the other side of town and wait there for a bit until going home, just to be extra cautious.

It was funny to him, when he thought about it. The last time he had snuck out the back of school like this was when he was trying to avoid Bowers. Now, he was trying to avoid one of his friends. The irony was almost like a slap to the face.

What also was like a slap to the face was the voice behind him suddenly going “Hey Haystack!”

Ben jumped and turned abruptly. There was Richie, leaned against the brick wall of the school and looking at Ben. “Sorry, did I scare ya’? I know dashing looks like these can be a real shock to the system,” He joked, giving a wink.

“Shouldn’t you be getting a ride from Stan or something…??”

“Shouldn’t _you_? Pretty sure the parking lot’s in the opposite direction.”

Ben could feel his face heat up and his palms getting sweaty again. “I, uh, I have to run some errands for my mom.” He was sure it was a believable enough lie, but then Richie raised an eyebrow, and suddenly he was a little less sure.

“This isn’t about Bill, is it?”

“It… I…” Ben wondered if this is what Eddie felt like whenever he had an asthma attack. His words just wouldn’t come out and he wasn’t even sure if he was breathing at this point.

“What’re you so worried about?” Richie suddenly looked a little worried, a pretty rare expression for him considering how often he insisted on joking around instead. Ben shook his head.

“It’s just—It’s not a crush…!”

Richie tilted his head, “But didn’t you say it was?”

“But I don’t like guys…! I like girls, I used to like Beverly, so I can’t like guys…! _I’m not gay_!” Ben burst out, not even caring how loud he spoke or if anyone overheard him. He had been mulling over this the whole day, and most of the frustration and confusion had been getting bottled up and rolling around in his head. If one more person asked him about this crush that he himself was so perplexed by, he might just actually explode.

But the look of surprise Richie was giving him suddenly made Ben want to curl up and hide instead. Maybe he shouldn’t dump all this sexual confusion on his friend. His hands were already covering his face again in embarrassment when Richie spoke, “What makes you think you can’t like both?”

Hesitantly, Ben parted his fingers to peer at Richie, his hands still covering the rest of his face “Wh… What…?” Richie shrugged.

“I’m just saying, you can like both. It’s not the end of the world if you do.”

“…Oh.” Was all Ben could muster.

“Like I said, Haystack. I don’t think it’s as complicated as you think. You might not be gay, but you might be bi,” Richie casually said, like he didn’t just unlock some great mystery in Ben’s head. “So try not to stress about it, alright?”

“Yeah…” Ben nodded a little, still dumbfounded. Bi…? As in bisexual…? Is _that_ what he was…? Why didn’t that thought occur to him sooner? Richie seemed to think of it right away.

Richie shrugged a little once more and turned, “I’ll catch ya’ later Haystack. Can’t miss my ride!” And with that, he walked off.

“Uh- Bye…!” Ben waved meekly, watching his friend walk away

_So… I used to have a crush on Beverly… And now I have a crush on Bill…_ , Ben thought, _so… I guess that makes me bi?_

Was he still mortified over this crush on Bill? Absolutely. But at the very least, he knew for sure it was a legitimate crush.

Now all that was left was to figure out what to actually _do_.


	3. Chapter 3: The Confession

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Day two of avoiding Bill was almost done. Almost.
> 
> All that was left as for Ben to skip Creative Writing once more, and then he’d just have to sneak out the back of the school and book it home. No big deal. He’d already gotten away with it once, he could get away with it again. Sure, the missed homework from Creative Writing would be a pain, but he could always ask Bill about it—
> 
> Wait. No he couldn’t. He was avoiding Bill. You don’t ask the person you’re avoiding about the homework you missed from avoiding them.
> 
> _In which Ben finally gets the guts to confess to Bill… After a bit of help, that is._

Day two of avoiding Bill was almost done. _Almost_.

All that was left as for Ben to skip Creative Writing once more, and then he’d just have to sneak out the back of the school and book it home. No big deal. He’d already gotten away with it once, he could get away with it again. Sure, the missed homework from Creative Writing would be a pain, but he could always ask Bill about it—

Wait. No, he couldn’t. He was avoiding Bill. You don’t ask the person you’re avoiding about the homework you missed from avoiding them.

Maybe skipping class again wasn’t a good idea.

Ben mulled over this thought as he went through his locker. He had to finish this internal debate before he could leave; Was he going to take his math book and do homework in the library again, or was he going to suck it up and go to class? Before he could decide, his thoughts were interrupted by a voice.

“H-hey.” The familiar voice nearly made Ben jump out of his skin. He turned to see none other than Bill, standing by his locker and looking at him. Already he could feel his heartbeat pick up.

“Uh—Hey Bill...!” Ben quickly shut his locker, doing his best to keep a straight face.

“I-Is every-everything a-a-alright?” Bill stammered out, giving Ben a worried look. That expression, combined with the butterflies exploding in his stomach made Ben want to throw himself into his locker and lock himself in. Was that possible? Could Ben do that right now and get away with it? He was seriously contemplating it. “Ben?”

“Oh—Uh—Yeah, everything’s fine! Why’d you ask?” Shit, why did he ask that? What if Bill found out about his crush and that’s why he’s asking? Was it still too late to crawl into his locker?

“I-It’s just… You l-left re-re-really s-suddenly M-Monday, and y-you weren’t i-in class y-yester-yesterday…” The look remained on Bill’s face, “Are… Are y-you m-m-mad at m-me?”

Ben’s stomach sunk a little, remembering what Mike had told him in the library. “No, not at all…!”

“Th-Then why’d y-you skip c-class?” The worry only seemed to grow on Bill’s face, and it made Ben want to scream for making him worry so damn much.

“It’s, uh, it’s hard to explain, but everything’s fine! I promise!” He forced a smile, though he knew he was never that good at pretending. God, he wished he could take a page out of Richie’s book.

“Okay…” Bill replied, seeming hesitant to let the topic drop, but thankfully he did. “Wanna h-head to cl-class?”

Shit, now he had no choice but to go to class. If he said no and ran off _now_ , then Bill would _really_ think something was up, or worse, think Ben really was mad at him when that couldn’t be further from the truth. Unless you could be mad at someone for making you have a crush on them? No, Ben was feeling many things, but mad was not one of them.

“Yeah, sure…!” Ben managed to say, shutting his locker. A smile finally graced Bill’s face, and Ben was pretty sure his heart melted at the sight.

“G-Great! C’mon—” Bill grabbed Ben’s free hand and started quickly pulling him along. _He just wants to make sure we’re not late_ , Ben told himself, desperately hoping his hands wouldn’t start sweating or that his face wouldn’t turn red.

 

* * *

 

Creative Writing class was _torture_ to get through. Ben had done his best to not look at Bill the entire class, either keeping his gaze to the board or his paper as he wrote. But every once in a while, he found his gaze wandering over to Bill, watching him write instead.

The way Bill looked when he wrote was like art in itself. Ben could probably write lines upon lines about they way Bill’s brows would furrow the slightest in concentration. How he didn’t seem to notice the strands of hair that swept away from the rest, barely grazing the top of his eye lids. The curve of his lips as he just barely mouthed the words he was writing to himself…

The thought of Bill’s lips mouthing against something else nearly made Ben physically jolt, and he quickly tore his gaze away from the other boy and back to his paper. Jesus, he needed to get his mind out of the gutter.

What were the supposed to be writing again?

Oh, right, they were on poems again.

… _Poems_ …

An idea occurred to Ben. Not his most original one, admittedly, but it was something he could definitely manage. There was no way he was ever going to be able to tell Bill about his feelings in person (God, he was still getting over acknowledging they were even there), but there was something else he could do…

 

* * *

 

_Like a foggy light,_  
Your smile morphs like heaven  
I could wait an eternity for

Ben hoped the poem didn’t seem like too much, reading it over once more. He had written and rewritten it over and over again the past few days, and he was resisting the urge to rewrite it once more.

Clutching the folded paper to his chest, he hesitantly glanced around the barren school hallway. School started an hour later on Friday mornings to account for any parent-teacher meetings, which meant that Ben had time to get to the school earlier than most students, without having to get up earlier than an average school morning. It was the easiest time to do this, even if he had to sacrifice sleeping in an extra hour.

As he crept closer to Bill’s locker, he couldn’t help but feel like he was doing something wrong. No, wrong wasn’t quite the right word, if he said giving a love poem to a boy was wrong, that him being bisexual (that was still so strange to think) was wrong, he’d also be saying Eddie and Beverly being gay was wrong. And that couldn’t be further from the truth.

He felt… Rebellious.

Yes. _Rebellious_. That felt right. Sneaking into school early to give a love poem to a boy in a homophobic town was definitely rebellious, right?

Oh… But the reminder of where they lived made Ben’s stomach sink. If anyone found out what he was doing, it’d probably be hell for him. Or worse, hell for him _and_ Bill.

Maybe sending this poem wasn’t a good idea. But dammit, Ben was already in front of Bill’s locker, poem in hand. How did he ever do this before? No, the situation was different then, Beverly’s a girl and he had just met her when he sent her a poem, it was easier then.

Ben sucked in a breath.

_I can do this_ , He thought, glancing around the hall. The coast was clear. _I can do this_.

He shoved the folded paper through the slats of Bill’s locker, and then booked it to the school library.

 

* * *

 

“HAYSTACK!” Richie cheered as Ben walked over to their lunch table.

“Trashmouth!” Ben cheered back, setting his lunch box on the table.

“Beverly,” Beverly chimed in, raising her hand and popping a chip into her mouth.

“You’re not supposed to say your own name, Bev,” Richie jokingly chastised, pushing his glasses up on his nose.

“Well, no one was saying mine,” Beverly said. She then glanced at Ben. “You okay?”

“Uh, yeah!” That was only half true, as Ben had been anxious since he slipped the note into Bill’s locker. Rubbing the back of his neck, he asked, “Have you guys seen Bill today…?”

“Why, yes, yes I have,” Richie winked at Ben, which only made his face grow hot, “Why do you ask, Haystack?”

“No reason--”

“Did you do something, Ben?” Beverly asked, looking at him with a curious gaze. There was some knowing look in her eyes, almost as if…

Ben shot Richie a bewildered look, “ _Did you--_ ”

“Wh- I only told her ‘cus she already knew!”

“ _How would she already know??_ ”

“Ben, sweetie, you’re not exactly the best at hiding your feelings,” Beverly pat his shoulder, Ben still felt mortified, “But really, did you tell him or something?”

“ _No._ ”

“Well, I think you should, that way we can ambush you two on dates,” Richie teased, earning an exasperated sigh from Ben.

“Bev, what do you know?”

“Rich told me you were having a crisis over having a crush on Bill, and that’s about it,” She popped another chip into her mouth, chewing and swallowing before speaking again, “Are you still having a crisis?”

“Well…” Ben glanced around cautiously, before leaning in a little and lowering his voice, the other two leaning in to listen as well, “I definitely have a crush on him, so… I guess I’m bisexual-”

“ _I fuckin’ knew it!_ ”

“ _Richard._ ”

“Sorry! I just know a bi-panic when I see one.” Richie’s voice had lowered volume to match Ben’s, but Ben still felt like he was broadcasting to the entire cafeteria, and couldn’t suppress the urge to hide his face in his hands.

“Aw, Ben, don’t be embarrassed…!” Beverly said, patting his shoulder again.

“But Haystack, the important part; How are you gonna woo good ole’ Big Bill?”

“I’m not…!” Ben replied, finally lowering his hands from his very red face. “I mean, I don’t want to risk ruining a friendship over this…” Ben expected Richie to gripe at that, but instead, he gave an understanding nod.

“Yeah, I get that…”

“You do…?”

“ _Anyways_ , you have Mr. Morris, right? Do you know what that homework was supposed to be?” Richie quickly continued. Ben had a suspicion that the subject change wasn’t for his own sake, but he decided to not push it, and Beverly seemed to decide that too as their conversation continued onto the topic of teachers and vague assignments.

 

* * *

 

A week had passed, and as far as Ben knew, Bill had made no mention of the poem to anyone.

Part of him was thankful for that, but another part of him worried at the possibility that he had somehow put the poem in the wrong locker. Or worse, maybe he did put it in the right locker, but Bill somehow missed the poem. Or- even _worse_ \- maybe Bill _hated_ the poem.

So why was Ben putting another poem in Bill’s locker?

He slipped the poem through the locker slats- knowing for sure he had the right locker- and once again rushed toward the school library. Swallowing down his panic, he pushed open the library door and sat at the first empty table he found (which was conveniently the closest table- The library was very empty this time of the morning).

Despite wanting to simply read to pass the time, Ben’s mind continuously wandered to the matter of his poems to Bill.

Why was he doing this? Bill not telling anyone about the first poem must’ve meant _something_ , and if it meant anything, it meant Ben shouldn’t send any more. But it was too late for that. What does he do if Bill doesn’t mention this poem either? Give up? Despite his anxiety, Ben felt like that wasn’t an option.

Not yet, anyways…

 

* * *

 

Three _torturous_ weeks had passed, and still, Bill made no mention of the poems.

And by now, the number of poems had grown from two to five.

Ben knew he should’ve probably taken the lack of mentions to any of their friends that maybe he should stop giving them to Bill, but another part of him thought that if Bill hated the letters, he definitely would’ve brought them up…

So, every Friday, Ben came to school early, slipped a poem into Bill’s locker, and hung out in the school library. For now, he was content with getting no recognition.

It was now Friday evening, and all of the Losers’ schedules were free. Sometimes this meant seeing a movie, or hanging out at the arcade, or jumping into the Quarry, but it always meant they were hanging out.

This evening, they had all decided to meet up on a little spot by the Kenduskeag, where activities usually consisted of wading and skipping rocks.

Ben had already been waiting there for a while, along with most of the others. While he, Beverly, and Eddie were wading and picking out good skipping rocks (Eddie had quite a knack for finding the best ones), Stan sat in the open bed of Mike’s truck, reading a book that for once wasn’t his bird thesaurus, with Mike reading over his shoulder as well. All they were waiting on was Richie, who had a few chores to do, and Bill, who said he’d wait up on him.

“Hey, Ben?” Eddie said, continuing once he had Ben’s attention, “Have you done anything about… Y’know, the thing, yet?”

“… What thing?”

“You know,” Beverly spoke up, “ _The thing_.” She raised her eyebrows in a mildly humorous way, but Ben’s cheeks just grew red. He hadn’t discussed his crush on Bill much further with anyone after their initial conversations, but every so often they would still bring it up. And every time that happened, Ben found a way to change the subject.

“… No, and I’m not planning on it—” Ben’s answer was interrupted by a loud splash, as Eddie threw the stone he had been holding into the river out of what only could have been frustration (why else would he pass up the opportunity to skip it?).

“Oh, _c’mon_!” Eddie cried, unintentionally catching Stan and Mike’s attention (God, did Stan even know about Ben’s crush yet?). “You have to do _something!_ You’re completely obvious!”

Ben could feel his face turning redder than Beverly’s hair, “Wh- No I’m not…!”

“Yes, you are! Every time you’re in the same room you look at him like a love-sick puppy, and then when he talks to you, you get flustered beyond belief! He asked you if he could borrow a pencil yesterday and you looked like you were about to faint.”

Oh, wow, maybe he _was_ a little obvious… But nope, if Ben was going to die on any hill, it was going to be the “ignore your painfully obvious feelings” hill.

“You’re one to talk, Eddie,” Stan called over from the truck.

“ _Shut your mouth!_ ” Eddie yelled back, before returning his attention to Ben, but was interrupted by the latter boy speaking.

“Wait, what do you mean?” Ben asked, looking at Stan. He had a feeling he knew what the jab at Eddie was about, but if it was about Eddie’s feelings towards Richie, then that meant Stan knew something about him and Bill—

Stan looked at Ben for a moment before admitting, “Richie told me.”

“… _Dammit Richie_.” Ben shouldn’t have expected any less, Richie told Stan everything, a habit borne from being friends since before they could talk. Anything that got to Richie would eventually make its way to Stan, and vice versa.

“To be honest, I already knew something was up,” Stan admitted, looking back down at his book, “Eddie’s right, it’s obvious when you have a crush.” Ben groaned.

“Gee… That’s so great to hear…”

Before anyone could reassure Ben, the sound of a car radio blasting music made them all look towards the road, where Richie’s hand-me-down Chevrolet was coming to a halt by the side of said road. Ben couldn’t tell what song was playing, but he could tell both Bill and Richie were loudly singing along.

The car’s engine shut off with a huff, and so too did the radio, whose music was abruptly cut short. But this didn’t stop the two teenagers from continuing their performance. Richie opened the front door and stepped out of his car, spinning on his heel as he slammed the door shut with a flair that was unique to the Trashmouth. But it wasn’t him that Ben was paying attention to. What was holding Ben’s attention was instead the way Bill stood up out of the car, leaning one arm against the roof and using the other to keep the door propped open. He shot a finger gun towards Richie as they continued singing along to the same song, despite the radio’s silence.

Though he couldn’t clearly hear them, Ben knew Bill was not stuttering. He never stuttered when he sang.

Bill stepped away from the car door and slammed it shut, walking around the front of the car and step-sliding over to Richie’s side. The two continued down the hill, snapping and doing dumb little dances the whole way along as they sang. Despite how ridiculous Bill looked- or perhaps because of it- Ben stared at him in admiration. Even though only their friends were seeing this, Bill’s confidence still always amazed Ben.

“I didn’t realize we were getting a show today, boys!” Beverly called out to them, breaking Ben from his lovestruck daze.

“Our concert’s at 8, darling!” Richie called back, suddenly jumping into the truck bed and sitting next to Stan, “Ticket’s are a hundred bucks each, but we might lower the prices for you suckers.”

“I think I’ll save my money,” Stan deadpanned. Richie gave him an overexaggerated frown.

“I’m hurt, Staniel.”

“What’s got you smiling so much, Bill?” Mike asked. Everyone glanced over at Bill, who was in fact smiling to himself. Ben couldn’t help but think that smile was the most beautiful thing, and he had to discreetly pinch his arm to prevent himself from accidentally saying so aloud.

“N-Nothing…” Bill’s smile grew a tiny bit, betraying his words.

“You’re smiling an awful lot over nothing,” Ben said, surprised by how casual he managed to sound. It seemed acting natural around Bill was slowly starting to get easier, even if he knew he’d still get flustered over small things, like Bill’s smile.

Bill rubbed the back of his neck, still smiling as a blush grew on his cheeks, “I th-think… I think I h-h-have a s-secret a-ad-admirerer.”

Oh shit.

“Really??”

“No fuckin’ way!”

“That’s awesome!”

Ben couldn’t fully pay attention to who was saying what, all he could think was maybe it wasn’t too late to jump into the Kenduskeag and let it sweep him far away—

“What clued you in, Bill?” Someone asked, (was it Mike? Probably). Upon being asked, Bill pulled out a folded piece of paper from his back pocket.

Oh _shit_.

“S-Someone’s b-been leaving p-p-poems in m-my locker,” Bill said, unfolding the paper in his hands. He leaned his back against a tree slightly as he seemed to silently read over the poem to himself.

“Poems…?” Beverly asked, her gaze discreetly flicking over to Ben for a moment. Bill simply nodded.

“Let me see…!” Eddie rushed over, kicking up water before reaching shore and going to Bill’s side. Reading over Bill’s shoulder, Ben could’ve sworn Eddie shot him a look.

There was no way Eddie would assume it was him, right? Sure, he knew he wrote poems, but Bill could have any number of poem-writing admirers, _right_?

“Let us hear it, Big Bill! What sweet words have wooed your heart?” Richie urged, leaning forward slightly. Everyone was looking at Bill in anticipation, even Ben, though perhaps his was more a look of nervousness than anything.

Quickly, Eddie spoke up and read,

“Your eyes are a storm,  
Swirling blues and greys,  
Passion I wish was for me.”

“Aw, that’s so sweet…” Mike said, side-eyeing Ben.

“Any idea who it’s from?” Stan asked, also seeming to give Ben a look just for a split second. Shit, why was everyone giving him looks? Was it that easy to tell?

… Oh god, it probably was.

Ben wiped his sweaty palms against his pant legs. Maybe if he walked to shore quick enough and made some excuse, he could leave before Bill could reject him in front of everyone. Would that be too suspicious? No, he could just say he forgot he had to run an errand, or needed to do some chores—

“N-No clue,” Bill replied, folding the poem back up and putting it back in his pocket. Discreetly, Ben let out a relieved sigh.

“Wait, really, none at _all_?” Richie gave Ben perhaps the least discreet of looks.

“N-Nope.”

“ _Anyways_ ,” Ben started, “Do you wanna skip rocks, Bill?”

“Sure…!” Bill stopped leaning against the tree and walked over to the shoreline, kicking off his shoes and rolling up his pant-legs, thankfully now distracted from the topic of poems and admirers.

 

* * *

 

Though last Friday had given Ben a bit of a scare, at least he now knew that Bill liked the poems he was getting.

Unfortunately, it also meant that all of the other Losers now knew about the poems, and the looks they all gave Ben made it clear that they thought it was him. Not that they were wrong about the poems being _his_ , but Bill could have any number of admirers, right? Not _just_ him.

Ben shook his head to himself as he walked down the empty school halls. He had yet another poem prepared this morning, and was planning on finishing more homework in the library. The little Friday morning routine he made had grown to be almost comforting to him, even if slipping the poems through the slats of Bill’s locker still gave him a small rush.

But this time when he turned the hall corner, instead of another empty hall, he saw Stan, Mike, Beverly, Eddie, and Richie, all waiting by Bill’s locker. The second he turned the corner and saw them, he froze in his spot, and suddenly they were all looking at him.

“Hey Ben,” Beverly said casually, as if she and the others hadn’t just caught Ben doing something secretive. Ben stood like a deer in headlights for a moment, before quickly turning to walk away, but before he could even get past the corner, Richie had an arm around his shoulders.

“Now wait just a second, Haystack,” He started, sporting what was probably supposed to be a southern accent, “The five of us have something we gotta talk to you about…” Richie turned around and walked back to the locker, dragging Ben along with him.

“Wh- Pff- Can’t it wait?” Despite how lanky he was, Richie had an iron grip on Ben, and though Ben was certainly strong enough to break out of it, he didn’t have the resolve to hurt his friend to do so.

So, despite his protests, Richie and the others dragged him all the way to the school library, poem undelivered.

 

* * *

 

“So instead of, oh, I don’t know, saying to his face that you like, you’re just going to anonymously send him poems and leave it a mystery to him? Really, Ben?” Eddie asked, looking exasperated by what he just said.

“Wha- I’m not sending him poems, I have no idea what you guys are talking about!”

“ _Shhh- We’re in a library, guys,_ ” Mike reminded everyone. They were all at a table in the back of the mostly-empty library, with Beverly and Stan on either side of Ben, Richie and Eddie across from him, and Mike stood up behind him, pacing a bit. Ben himself felt like he was in the hot seat of an interrogation.

“Ben, there’s no point lying. Who _else_ would be sending him love poems?” Stan said.

“I dunno, I can’t be the only one in our whole school who likes him…!” Ben retorted, doing his best to keep his voice at a whisper.

“Well, you’ve always had a thing for sending poetry to your beaus. Right, Haystack?” Richie said.

“Why would you think that?” Ben asked.

“Oh, c’mon, you know! February Embers?”

“ _January_ Embers—”

Wait.

_Wait_.

“You know about that poem??” Ben asked incredulously, looking at Beverly for an explanation. She raised her hands in defense.

“I only told Richie!”

“And I only told Stan!” Richie added. After a moment of silence, everyone turned to look at Stan, who was starting to look rather sheepish.

“… I told everyone else.”

“ _Stan!_ ”

“I didn’t _realize_ it was supposed to be a secret!”

“What the hell, guys?” Ben wasn’t sure if he was more angry or embarrassed… No, he was definitely more embarrassed.

“Okay, but in your defense, it was a very sweet poem, and if I were into guys, it totally would’ve won me over.” Beverly quickly added, reaching over and squeezing Ben’s hand.

“Okay- That aside- So you _are_ the one leaving poems in Bill’s locker, right?” Mike asked.

“… So?”

“ _So,_ ” Eddie began, “You need to stop skating around your feelings and actually tell him that you like him!”

“I _have_ , that’s what’s in the poems…!”

“He means tell him non-anonymously,” Stan deadpanned.

“Oh… Right… No.”

“C’mon, Haystack, what’re you waiting for? You take too long someone else might swoop in and sweep Big Bill off his feet before you can,” Richie grinned slightly, “Though, I think your poems are already working some magic. Maybe I should try it out, huh?”

“I’m pretty sure all you could write is a bad dick joke.”

“Oof, Stan the Man gets off a good one!”

“Richie’s right though,” Beverly spoke up, looking at Ben and once again squeezing his hand, “I know it’s scary, but… I really do think you should tell him. In person.”

“… Thanks, but… No,” Ben said.

“C’mon, what’s the worst that could possible happen?” Stan asked.

“Oh, I dunno, our friendship could be ruined, maybe?” Ben said, his gaze dropping to the desk surface. The silence amongst his friends seemed to confirm his fear, until Richie spoke up.

“You don’t really think Bill knowing you have a crush on him is going to ruin your friendship, do you?” Ben looked at him with shock.

“Uhm, yes? How could it _not_?” He asked incredulously.

Richie shrugged, “He and Bev used to date, and their friendship is just fine now.”

“Besides,” Mike added, “Even if he doesn’t like you back, I think Bill’s incapable of hating you.”

“Okay, but what if everything becomes _awkward_?” Ben wasn’t sure if unending awkwardness was really worse than being hated, but imagining that kind of tension between him and Bill made his heart hurt.

“Ben, Bill’s not going to hate you, I promise,” Beverly reassured him, once again squeezing his hand. She gave Ben a comforting smile once he looked at her, and his nervousness eased, if only a little.

“… You’re sure?”

“Positive.”

“… If I say I’ll do it, will you guys stop bugging me about it?”

“Yes, we will,” Eddie said, crossing his arms.

“… Then fine, I’ll figure something out.”

Richie clapped his hands, “AYYY, HAYSTACK’S GROWIN’ A PAIR—”

“ _Shhh!_ ”

 

* * *

 

Ben was already regretting his decision.

If he was being honest, yes, he had mostly said he would confess so that everyone would get off of his back, but he would be lying if he said he didn’t need the push.

Still, he could feel the anxiety growing in his chest with every second that passed as he sat waiting in the bleachers.

After having left the library that morning, Ben went and delivered the poem to Bill’s locker, but this time, he added a simple request at the end of the poem.

_“Meet me by the bleachers after school_.”

Bill had made no mention of the poem to Ben all day, so there was a small voice nagging in the back of his head that maybe he missed it today. Maybe he was in too much a rush to notice the folded paper slipped into his locker, even if he had come to expect the poems every Friday. Maybe—

“Ben?” Bill’s voice broke Ben out of his anxious thoughts. He glanced over at the red-head.

“Oh- Uh- … Hey, Bill.” This was happening.

“What’re you doing up here?” Bill asked, walking over and taking a seat next to Ben, the metal of the old bleachers creaking along the whole way.

“Nothing much…” Any second he would put two-and-two together.

Bill nodded a little, glancing out at the empty football field. “You’re not g-gonna ask why I-I’m here?”

“…Why are you here?” _To horribly reject me_ , he thought.

“I g-got another p-p-poem today, they told me to meet them up here…” Ben could feel a lump of fear forming in his throat. Like if he tried to speak, he would only start crying, and boy did he not want that. But he was already here, and it was too late to turn back.

All he could muster without risking a breakdown was a small “Oh…”

The two sat in silence for what felt like an eternity, before Bill finally turned his gaze back to Ben.

“W-Was it you?”

Fuck, he couldn’t do this.

“Was what me…?”

“The poems, Ben.”

_Fuck_.

Ben stared at Bill, trying desperately to decipher his expression. Was he annoyed? Disappointed? Disgusted? He opened his mouth to speak, but no noise came out.

Bill placed a hand over his. “Ben…?”

“I’m sorry—” Ben finally managed to choke out, before he felt a pair of lips press against his cheek.

Bill Denbrough had just kissed his cheek.

_The_ Bill Denbrough.

Kissed his cheek.

If Ben had been having trouble speaking earlier, he must’ve seemed totally mute now. He looked at Bill with wide eyes and red cheeks, and the other boy simply smiled at him.

“I was h-hoping it was you.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay, so this took waaaaay longer to finish than I thought it would, but I did it...!  
> I know the ending isn't the best but if I tried to drag it out anymore then it might have never finished and I could not let that happen.  
> I hope you all enjoy it anyways...!

**Author's Note:**

> ((I know this chapter is pretty short but shhhh I'm still proud of it))
> 
> You can ask me about my writing and such on my tumblr @richie-bo-bitchie


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